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Blarg
When you close your eyes, is it Hell that you see? --Ghost, Ginger Snaps 2
....all the fucking time...last night i had a real bad time. i know i promised myself that i'd get in a better mood and look at things more positively...didn't work. me and Brian got into yet another fight. i'm so tired of him yelling at me all the time. now i'm just starting to think that maybe things aren't as good as it supposed to be. after he yelled at me, he went to bed and i just layed there on the couch trying really hard not to fucking scream, so instead i just watched Mad TV and let the tears flow. about a hour later i went into the back bedroom. i tried making up with Brian but he was still pissed at me, which made me feel more like shit. so he fell asleep while i just layed next to him trying hard not to cry again. and then once it got dark i forgot that i was supposed to be at mom's house helping to pack stuff up so i got dressed and walked in the cold without my music cuz i still ain't got no fucking headphones.
i was still really depressed too of course. as i was walking i kept thinking maybe its not a good idea to move away. i mean i still half wanna move cuz i want to live in a better place and have a good job but i still don't wanna leave my friends and i really don't like the idea of leaving my momma and my sister alone in this shitty place. DECISIONS FUCKING SUCK ASS GODDAMMIT!!!!!!
once i got there nobody was home until i was in the middle of writing momma a note and then Razz started going crazy and wouldn't stop barking. mom came in and scared the shit out of me >____>
the both of us waited for over a hour for Katrina to come over so we could start cleaning out my old bedroom. mom was reading the newspaper and was looking up movies and stuff on the internet while me and Razz ate cheesy poofs and sugar cookies watching Ginger Snaps 2.
after a while i couldn't stay awake so i told mom that i had to go before i passed out. on my way back i was so fucking tired i was getting ready to say fuck the house i'm gonna go sleep in the woods. but some dumbass neighbors were having a party and were playing goddammed rap music loud as fuck and in another trailer i heard some little kid crying with some guy screaming and i could of sworn i heard slapping noises...i can say that i was not happy at all with that shit. but thats normal for where i live at.
once i got back home i went into the back room and fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8:30 today. i guess me and Brian are on good terms now...again. i don't know if i want to talk to Brian about whether or not i should go with him or to stay. i'm sure that if i say something about it he'll throw a fit that i don't love him anymore and then he'll start crying and then we would start fighting and so on and so forth. i'm so tired of fucking fighting. sometimes i wish i can be back in my old room with all my old stuff and just blast music up to max and just lay in bed and think. and if the emotions were too much i could just scream out the lyrics along with the band. usually that would happen and then i would cry, sometimes loud but at least nobody could hear me. i sometimes miss those days. but now i wake up and people are constantly in my business, never leaving me alone, making me feel worthless etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
i think i'm just going to go and bang my head against the desk here and listen to mein music. what i really feel like doing is crawling into a coffin and going to sleep forever and never having to deal with shit ever again.
11:08 a.m. - Monday, March 14, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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