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Daddy Is Completely Full Of Bullshit
hmm..well this isn't pretty i can tell you that now..
i'm in a bit of a gloomy mood at the time. i came down here mostly to help my mom look for her birth certificate, nationalization papers, high school diploma, etc. since she has to get a new job. and i found this green tin box thing that had a shit load of papers and just about everything in there were letters from my dad sent to mom while he was away in Germany cuz he was doing army business. and of course all these letter were writtin before-during-after The Great Divorce. i didn't really waste my time with most of them but i found one that just kinda stuck to me and i read the entire thing and i hate to say it but i cried, mostly out of anger cuz all of it was bullshit. so here tis my father's letter of lies sent from him to his mom (A.K.A: Grandma Hatey):
1 Nov 90
Dear Mom,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and that everything is fine with you. I'm sorry for causing so much turmoil and pain in so many lives. I intended to let nothing or nobody get in between Mary and I. My marriage was very important to me, but something happened that only a few people seem to understand.
I have always loved Mary, and I still love her. She has always been special, and she has given me such special children. My beautiful daughters that I love beyond anyone's dreams.
Jutta and I met a little over a year ago. I never ment anything to happen, I wasn't "looking" for anything. We just met, and something happened.
Some felt that this is a really stupid thing to let happen, a really dumb thing to get involved with, but how can one hold back feelings that are so strong - something you know deep inside are so very right and ment to be?
I try to do what I think is right. I feel that I'm good. I feel that I am good inside, that I'm a good person. To be good is to do what is right. I find myself torn between what is right for everyone besides myself and what is right for me. It can be so difficult at times. I've got to be truthful to myself. I've got to be true to myself. This is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with ever. I'm really being put to the test.
Some think that I'm over here in Europe having a splendid time, away from all sense of responsibility, away from the wife and kids. Having a real swell time with some German girl. If only they could feel the pain I feel. The hurt and suffering I feel whenever I see kids my daughters' age. It hurts bad when I know that my little girls are suffering with everyone else. I love them so much. I hope that they'll understand and still love me.
I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always provide to the fullest of my capabilities to Mary and the girls. Both financially and emotionally. Also I will always consider our relationship the same -no matter - you will always be the grandmother of my girls - and Mary's mom. Nothing can change that. I will try and do the right thing.
Bryan
.....aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yesh..so who agrees that this is bullshit, neh? even though this happened almost 15 years ago, everytime i find something like this or hear about what happened, it hurts alot. since i was the youngest i was kept from all of it and my mind blanked everything that i didn't want to hear, one of the reasons why now i don't remember much of my childhood or anyone in my family. but meh who cares anymore. its all that bastards fault for fucking up. and if anyone wants to know, he didn't keep any of his promises. instead of getting about over $1,000 for child support, it got cut down to $600. he promised he'd never quit the army, well he did and our medical and dental went down the drain. he never kept in contact, just every birthday or christmas was a card, sometimes a check too. and he promised to never have anymore kids and here i am with a half-sister and half-brother.
and now he's fucking up even more. yelling at my sisters about crap..asshole how dare he do this shit.
sometimes i always have to tell myself that it doesn't matter anymore. that i don't need that. that i have moved on to better things. and i have gotten so much better dealing with it......
tonight isn't one of those sometimes.
oh look a stereo, hey mom's vodka. coincidence..i think not....
10:50 p.m. - Friday, May 20, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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