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Season Of Summer For You, Season Of Death For Me
listening to: some remix called Dark Prophecy (Anime Remix)
drinking: nothing
watching: my life crumbling to pieces
well not really a whole lot to say. every since yesterday i felt like my life has been falling apart. i'm still trying to accept the fact that everything that i love, i won't have forever. yesterday afternoon, this void inside of my heart has been opened up and i'm afraid i won't be able to get rid of it. and its no thanks to that asshole god...no i can't blame it on something like that..i can't even keep in control of my emotions..it just fucking hurts so much, the pain is undescribable. i'm trying to get rid of this phase of mixed emotions but it just doesn't seem to go away. even the loud thrashing music i'm listening to doesn't seem to block it. i thought by now i'd get over it but i can't..i keep finding myself crying...i'll bet you all are wondering with what the hell happened..
yesterday when i woke up, everything was fine. i was laying in bed reading my Vampire Hunter D book listening to Brian snore. he finally woke up, left to go eat and then came back with darling little Sara. he was worried that she was sick. and yes she was. for the past few days she wouldn't eat, she was losing weight like crazy, she used to be so plump and full of energy. i came out and Brian was force feeding her watered down milk with one of those little dropper things. after that, he went next door to go play video games and Sara layed down on the couch but not usually the way she always curl up she was spread out on her stomach making this weird weezing noise. about a hour later, Adrienne came over cuz the momma and her were going to do some birthday shopping for Timmy. but instead the momma woke up and looked at Sara, made me get dressed and made Timmy go get Brian and she gave Brian the last bits of money she had, about $140 i think. she called one of the animal hospitals around here and said for us to leave now cuz they close pretty soon. so we left and waited for about a hour and a half for little Sara to be called. once i tried to get her out of the cage so i could hold her but the only thing she'd allowed out was her tail. i just thought it was cuz of all the other dogs in the room was freaking her out (she's never seen a dog before) it was so fucking cute and adorable..me and Adrienne were having a great time there though, just laughing and going on about stuff. but Brian was worried like hell, wouldn't stop shaking. and finally after the hour and a half wait was over and Brian took her to the back. me and Adrienne continued to mess around, petting doggies or commenting on how damn cute they were. by the time it was around closing time, we were still there waiting, Adrienne claimed she was thirsty so we migrated towards the huge fish tank. then we read the ads on the board about wanting to adopt animals, buy animals, find lost animals. then we laughed at a picture of some cats laying in chairs at the beach..the one in the middle reminded me of Sara 100% cuz of they way how the cat in the pic layed down. Sara does the same thing..sits up on her back to lick her stomach, her back paws kinda in the air, her other paws on her sides..so fucking cute. and then the doctor came out and called my name to come back..thats when everything fucked my world up. when i walked into the room, Brian sat in the corner holding Sara and wasn't looking all that grand. the doctor straight out said she had leukemia. she asked us the options on what we should do, either shell out more cash to keep her there to be treated, buy some medicine and keep her at the house, or put her to sleep. the doctor left the room to let us decide..thats when i freaked out. of all the descisions i had to make, i had no idea what to do..i kept saying it over and over again, Brian sitting there holding precious Sara. then he asked me to go get Adrienne and to call the momma. by the time i left the room and walked down the hallway i felt the sudden urge to destroy things. i called Adrienne over, she asked what was going on..i couldn't take it anymore..i started to cry and claimed she had leukemia. i cried on her shoulder for a bit and then asked for her phone. i went back into the room and called and told the momma everything. she said that whatever decision we make, she'd be behind us 100%. i gave the phone to Brian and they talked. after he hung up he looked directly at me and said he was going to let Sara sleep. i agreed. and then i looked back her..she was on the table, standing there with her cute little grin..even though she was in major pain she didn't seem to lose that smile of hers. i knew this was the last time i'd ever hold her fluffy self in my arms so i went over and took her in my arms and just let it all out. i think it was the first time in a long while i ever cried like that..it sucked. i hugged her..i felt like i couldn't let her go. i didn't want to but i knew it was best for her. before i finally let her go i told her to not to worry about us anymore, that Satan would take her in and take care of her...after i left the room, Adrienne was outside the door, standing in the corner. we just stood there for a bit, i told her she was going to sleep. i remember almost crushing her phone, laughed a little saying i better give this back before i killed it. we walked back to where we originally sat down. we just sat there waiting for everything to happen and end. i'm not exactly sure what Adrienne was thinking in her head, but i was praying to Satan that my little Sara-bear needed a new home. i told him all she needed was a nice bed, with a few blankets..(she always liked to lick blankets for some unknown reason), she wasn't a picky eater, although her favorite food was ground beef and cheese. she wasn't a bad kitty either, always used the catbox, never got into any serious fights, very lovable especially whenever you tried to go to bed...after i said thankyou to my Lord, i just sat there like a zombie, completely braindead. i stared at that kitty-beach painting from across the room, wanting nothing more than to break it to shreds but i remained still. i ended up singing in my head, one of my very favorite songs, Rammstein's "Ohne Dich" and oh the irony how much it described of what i was feeling. finally Brian came back, with Sara's cage and blanket..nothing inside..
he took care of the bill although we were $98 short since he asked for little Sara to be cremated. it made me feel a little bit better that we still get to have a part of her with us. the people said they would call us in 2 weeks for us to get the rest of the bill payed and to pick up Sara. once we got into the car, i felt a bit more better since we left the hospital. we went to the bank so Adrienne can check something for her mom, while i stared out the window, which started to rain. i had my arm hanging out and while it sprinkled, the little rain droplets felt like tiny razors cutting into my flesh..what can i say, it felt good. Brian wanted to go somewhere to eat, so after we stopped by Adrienne's house we went to Burger King. even though of the things that happened that day, i was so fucking hungry..i guess you can say it was a cheap funeral reception for little Sara. after i was finished i went to the bathroom and actually cried some more in there. i felt stupid but i didn't care anymore. after that we went to the mall. that may sound shitty to some people. we didn't think, "oh no my cats gone..lets go shopping!" we just didn't feel like going home. all three of us agreed on that..i'd rather be somewhere than go home cuz i knew i'd get depressed and start crying again..and i really wanted to stop crying. so we left and we actually had a good time. i was still tempted to buy something at Hot Topic but i couldn't decide so i said fuck it all! after that we went to Barnes and Noble and i decided to buy more books. if not clothing and accessories from Hot Topic, i love books. since the Resident Evil books were about $7 each, i wasted my whole twenty plus $2 and bought the first three books. all i need left to get is #4, #5, and i guess also #0..they didn't have #0 there, but once i saw it at the malls bookstore, Waldenbooks, so i'm on the lookout. i didn't want to go home just yet so we went to Wal-Mart and we all bought bracelets. we went to Adrienne's house for a bit and i freaked out that it was one in the morning..i thought it was still somewhere around 10:00...but we ate some snacks and Brian watched Adrienne play this one game that looked somewhat interesting, Morrowind, while i colored in her Garfield coloring book. we took the Ren and Stimpy DVD collection thing with us to watch again over here, along with two books and her Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets video game..i figured i should try it sometime today, it seemed interesting..i need many things to do to keep myself busy (hence all the book buying)..if i don't i'll crack again.
now i'm blasting System of a Down's, Mesmerize. Brian, Tommy, and Timmy are playing that Digimon game. i think things are fine again..i don't know..last night..or really this morning..when me and Brian went to bed we started to cry again. we really miss Sara alot. i was really hoping to hear her scratching at the door, wanting in to come and cuddle with us like she always did..i never thought i was going to miss her suffocating me in my sleep as she layed ontop of my head. also while we were eating in Burger King..Brian told us that the scans came up showing that Sara was one week and half pregnant. if she were to go on living, they couldn't do anything for them, they'd be born with it.
i miss her more than anything. but at least now i know she's in a better place, i know she's having fun with my Lord...i know she's no longer in pain. soon i will put a shrine on here to remember my dear sweet little Sara-Bear.
i'm just glad that she's having the time of her life now. although i wasn't too pleased with the bill..i mean it just seemed depressing...
"Bill Payed: $125
Money Owed: $98
Bill Total: $223
Sorry about your dead cat, have a nice day"
i really hate summers. it always seem that during the summer everything that i care about seems to die and drift away. sometime during July after mom comes back from her friends wedding, i have to start packing some of my stuff up and i have to go to Cali. for a emergency. apparently my Great Aunt Hitomi is dying and she's asking for me to come over so she can see me one last time. i don't think i've ever been this depressed....
i can only pray to my Lord Satan that i can get through this season of death.
4:51 p.m. - Tuesday, June 14, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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