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I Really Fucking Hate Having Go Through This Kinda Shit
listening to: CHAM
drinking: nada
watching: nada
blarg...today i feel so meh..
last night wasn't too fun either until that is a miracle happened and Adrienne was online..i was so sad and frustrated i IMed her and she said she would come and get me so we can go get drunk. i really wanted to talk to Sam..mostly cuz i worry about him too..but he's the only one that actually knows how i feel, what bullshit feels like..i miss him! T__T
here i suppose i shall explain of what happened yesterday before i go into what happened last night...
i had stayed up all night and day, trying to get some of my stuff gathered to take to my mom's house. Brian actually helped with the first trip when i carried some of my weights. but he was being such a fantastic ass!!! he made me carry most of the weights which was hard on me already cuz of my feet..i had like four blisters on each foot and they all finally popped so they hurt like eight bitches in a bitch boat to the extreme =_______=
arg but still he was walking faster than me, i'm trying to keep up with him and he keeps turning around and shooting me nasty looks like i'm a disease or something..we finally make it to my mom's house and he throws the weights he was carrying down on the ground and turns around to go back to his house. i told him to please stay and at least help me get the stuff in the house so he did and before i locked it up he left! as hard it was, i ran up to catch up to him to see what was wrong with him and he yells at me cuz i was breaking up with him..
no i'm not!! i just think we need some time apart but..i'm so tired of the accusations and etc. bullshit i get from everyone!! so he walks away from me and before i could get into his house he slams the door in my face....
::sigh::
i walk in and of course his mom is awake and he suddenly turns into the perfect guy..wtf...i just looked at him with and went into the back bedroom to lay down..it was so fucking hot outside and all that heat hurt me pretty bad..later he comes walking in and acts as if he hasn't done anything wrong..i just don't understand what his fucking deal is..
so i wait for another few hours, me sitting on the bed playin my Metroid for the last time for a while ::rolls eyes:: Corey was being very luvvy dubby too so i let him lay down in my lap. around six or seven that evening i start getting some of my other stuff together and i go outside. this time it was windy and the sun was setting behind a bunch of clouds so it wasn't so bad. i ran into Josh and he tells me that he was getting ready to go the concert..i had totally lost interest in going cuz of all the bullshit was going on..i was just so depressed i didn't want to be a burden on any of my old friends at the pub..
i continued walking down to mom's house, people were following me and glaring at me..meh..i hate humans so fucking much >>;;
as i come back i walked over to Josh to ask him to at least tell Chris that i was sorry that i couldn't go cuz of what was going on..and then suddenly Brian jumped on me from behind scaring the hell outa me..i turned to look at him and he glared back and said fuck it and stomped away...once again wtf..
so i go after him and he's sitting on the couch and yells at me that he's tired of me giving him nasty looks..i haven't dammit!!! he was the one that was doing crap to me all day..all year and a half >__< and of course his mom was staring at us like it was goddamn entertaining for her and Brian turns to look at me and askes if i need help with packing..
i just fucking lost it and ran to the back bedroom. i stood there for a few minutes trying to fucking figure out what i was doing..i took my memory card from the GameCube and ran out of the room and bumped into Brian in the hallway. he wanted to apologize and hug me. i looked at him and said to please let me go and he got angry all over again, yelled at me to get my cat and get out. so i fucking did!
i was so fucking depressed..i'm so goddamn confused. i have no idea what the hell is going on..
once Adrienne came by to get me we went to the gas station and then Wal-mart cuz we were going to get some Pepsi to mix with vodka. we ended up running around like a bunch of fucking idiots. it was awesome. it was something i really needed >__>;;; we kept grabbing the cart from each other yelling "GET OUTA MY HOUSE!!!" or me quietly stealing it from her saying "i would like to purchase this fine item"....gods we're geeks ^_____^
we got to her house..and then suddenly decided not to get drunk since the party is tonight and Adrienne had to work today..i thought it was sometime last week ::shrugs:: oh well..although i did have a big glass of vodka and Pepsi..man...i miss vodka..ever since the graduation party i could never drink vodka straight..ever!! everytime i tried i kept being reminded of the party and wanting to throw up...
..go me..
we watched House of a 1000 Corpses, some stand up a lady did..i forgot her name...Lisa something..she's apparently called the Queen of Mean..and goddamn she is!! but she's so fucking funny!!!!! i loved it..then watched a episode of the Critic and then some retarded 80s slasher flick called The Boogens..omg wtf..it was so fucking gay..we ended up falling asleep watching it i was getting cramped up so i moved to the couch...i don't really remember doing it either >__>;;
also during the movie..i got bored and decided to draw on myself....wwwweee
then i woke up somewhere around nineish..groggy as all hell. Adrienne was in the kitchen eating, watching Cinematech. we left and she dropped me back off here. mom woke up and asked if i was permanetly moving in and i told her i don't know..i said i thought it would be a good idea if me and Brian just had a break for awhile..luckily after that she stopped asking questions and left for work.
::sigh::
so here i am listening to Japanese music, depressing myself even more..paranoid that Brian is coming down here and end it all and burn the rest of my stuff i have over there. a part of me wants to go over there and hug Brian..never let him go ever..but the other part is telling me to leave him behind.
its so hard not to think about it..::sigh:: i wish Sam or Cat. were here..i really need someone to talk to to get my mind off of stuff..that and i want a hug..
i just wanna be held, told that i wouldn't have to worry about anything even if things were bad..just to at least give me some kind of hope that there's a way out to be happy...just to be kissed and told that i'm loved....
..i need to go away..i need to start cleaning this house anyways..
2:57 p.m. - Sunday, September 11, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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