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Late Night Ramblings Of A Broken Heart
listening to: random stuff
drinking: cup of ice
watching: nada
::heavy sigh::
i hate my fucking subconscious....earlier i woke up with a bad nightmare..woke up in cold sweat, it sucked ass. at first i freaked out cuz i didn't know where i was at..i thought Brian was in the bed with me..i'm was way happy he wasn't but sad cuz nobody else was...i don't think that made much sense but who gives a hell..
i dreamt that me and Brian were in a major fight..i have no idea how it started..its one of those dreams where it starts off in the middle of things and shit is confusing..anyways..we were screaming at each other rather harshly, he screamed "fuck you" in my face, spittle was flying too (ickies >_<), i turned away from him and he grabbed me and knocked me into a wall..i hit my head pretty fucking badly..bleeding a little bit..and thats all it took. we were fist fighting like hell, he got me pretty good in the jaw..picked me up and threw me into a car..i tried running away but it didn't really work out right sense my leg was broken. he came up to me and tripped me and started doing stuff i'm not even gonna mention...
i woke up so fucking scared...i don't think something like that will happen..but then again, Brian has major anger issues so ya never know if the thoughts cross his mind..
now i'm even more afraid to go by the house..ugh..dammit...i want a protector!!! T_________T
although i did at least have the courage to go outside and go by the woods to take the pics of the moon..it came out somewhat decent..
::sigh:: i have no idea what to do..i'm so tired of feeling afraid..i wish i had a fucking backbone, bite down on my lip and get this stupid bullshit over with but..there's something inside of me that holds back..its just not the bond that we have..or used to have..whatever..i'm just so afraid to know that i'll be alone..usually it doesn't seem like i would care that if i were to be alone but its one of my greatest fears and i fucking hate it. i truely fucking hate these emotions of mine, i want to get rid of them, start clean all over again. i'm afraid that things are gonna go back to what they were in high school..i don't want to start fighting with my family again..i don't want to cry myself to sleep everynight, even though i do that already >_>...
i wish i could be stronger like most people, i hate having my weaknesses..i hate falling in love and being hurt when all i want to do is care about someone..to take care of them, to protect them...all i get is abuse in return, no love for me..never...
but then again who could blame people..i mean look at me..i'm disgusting...people have a right to hate me for who i am...i hope each and everyone of those people fucking die..
i'm tired of waiting...i'm tired of hurting....i'm tired of falling in love..for once i wonder if someone will ever fall in love with me..it would be nice for a change i suppose..at least i will know someone cares, right?
bah..i have no idea what the fuck i'm babbling about..i'm just bored..and lonely..::sigh::..i hope that guy down in Wilmington has LOTS of pain go bye bye juice..cuz i'm seconds away from emailing Brian to tell him its over..its time i got that fucking backbone and not give a shit about what will happen..its time to bite down on my fucking lip and let it all end and to let my life get reborn..
1:04 a.m. - Thursday, September 22, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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