-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miserable Day.....Lonely Night
i'm back again...yesterday (a monday of course >_<)was one of the worst days i've had in a long fucking time..i stayed up the entire sunday night and didn't get to sleep till 9 or 10 in the morning. Tommy and Timmy were at school, Brian next door playing video games and his mom and Jose asleep, so basically, nice and peaceful. next thing i know i'm awake, its 3:30 in the afternoon and i hear screaming coming from both the living room and outside, right outside the fucking window!!! after laying there trying to figure out what the hell the noise was all about, my brain told me that Brian was babysitting the neighbor's kid, Sean, playing video games with Sean's brother Alex and Timmy was outside with his retarded friends screaming. so i decide to let it pass and let Brian's mom and Jose deal with it...well after a while i didn't hear anybody complain about the noise so wondering where the so called "parental units" were i looked out the window and Jose's car is gone....dandy...i had forgotten that today was Tommy's Christmas Band Concert thingy so i was alone with a house full of boys making almost every noise imaginable. at this time my head was hurting to the point where if i so much as made a peep, my head would explode. so i turn on the tv which was about a inch in front of my face to zone out the noise. for awhile i decided to watch retard cartoons on cartoon network but some insanely gay cartoon came on (something about mexican wrestling?..bleh)so i switched to sci fi and for some reason they were showing Indiana Jones movies so i said to hell with it and pulled the blanket over my head.....i layed there for exactly two hours hearing all this at once: video game sound effects, people screaming at each other and at the tv, little kids screaming at the top of their lungs something like "BUT I WANT TO BE BLUE RANGER!!!" (-_o), and once the clock hit 5:30 i finally snapped. i got dressed and slowly walked into the living room where Alex and Sean were trying to set up the N64. (Brian, at this point was outside wrestling with Timmy) right before i could say anything, as if right on que, one of the cats thought it was a good idea to sit on one of the christmas ornaments..a glass-ball ornament no less. knowing nobody was going to do anything about it, grumbling loudly i had no choice but to clean it up. after helping Alex and Sean out with the system, i heard even more screaming outside, no doubt Brian was kicking Timmy's and his gayer than ever friend Reynolds asses. since i was the last responsible person left in the house, i finally yank open the front door, kick the screen door and start screaming at the top of my lungs...i hadn't yelled in so long and i can tell you...it felt damn good.
Brian stopped in mid-kata and i swear i could see him sweatdropping just like in the anime's. he hurridly ran to the door to apologize but i just didn't care...i had enough of the fucking word "sorry". he gave me his upset look and went back outside. since the tv was occupied i went to the computer to see if anything interesting was going on. at that time Timmy and Reynolds walked in the door making their way to his room. still being in my ultra bitch mode i told Timmy that his friend had to go home. and can you believe it..he screamed why at me. oh i told him why all-fucking-right!!!! -_- after yelling at him for the things that he knew he shouldn't of done (waking me up and keeping me up for two straight hours definitely -_-)his friend ran out the door and Timmy ran into his room crying and throwing his shit around..as if i gave a damn...still don't too. two minutes later he runs towards the front door and screams "I'M GOING OUTSIDE WITH BRIAN!!!!!" oooohhhhhhh man i'm scared now! a few minutes later Brian busts in and for some fucking reason he decides to yell at me about to not take my anger out on Timmy.........i sat there puzzled as all hell and after he slams the door i sit there for about ten seconds and then in my mind i'm screaming "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!???? WHAT A HYPOCRITICAL BASTARD!!!!!" everytime something wakes him up he throws a bigger fit then almost anyone else in the house (Timmy can still beat him at that though). and he mostly always takes it out on Timmy....i don't understand what the hell it was all about but right after all that bullshit happened i was saved! my best friend Cat. had just got online. after i immediately IMed her and explained this bullshit we decided to talk on the phone which was good..i needed to hear someone elses voice for once. after we got off the subject of my bad first 2 hours and 15 minutes of the day, we talked about past life traumatic animal crisis. you know, the usual poor cute cuddly pet getting ran over or me mowing the back yard and accidently running over a poor Mr. Froggy and seeing its guts fly out from beneath...ew *shudders* i still can't get over that incident that took place at least 9 years ago.
when it was 7:00 i decided to make up with Brian. we both apologized and layed in bed for a bit until Billy came over and flasing all his pretties that he had just bought at Hot Topic and Spencers..i wanna steal his collar its so pretty!! ^_^ after he left i decided to go get the mail. it was pretty cold out, at least 40 degrees or so and windy as hell. but it felt really good, being cooped up in small rooms all day isnt very pleasant..unless your sleeping which won't happen for another few hours for me..blargh...i hate being on this schedule, awake all night and sleep all day..its rather tiring. although there is something that is purely peaceful about the night. after getting the mail i decided to go for a walk..Brian was asleep anyway. i walked around for awhile, feeling the cold hit my skin, the even colder breeze blowing my hair around..mostly in my face -_- listening to my main traveling music, Cradle of Filth. it was one of those times where you just walk around, not really paying attention or caring where your going, all you care about is the rythym of the music and the thoughts in your mind. this time i was paying attention to something else..something that i haven't cared for for a long time...the stars. for some reason throughout my whole life the calmest thing i can ever think of was to go outside at night and stare at the stars. they've kept me so at place for so long but this past year..i forgot about them. as i was walking i witnessed at least maybe four shooting stars. each time making a wish..secretly knowing they wouldn't come true. but i still had hope. never doubt the stars what my momma used to say. which was so coincidental..the next thing i know i'm standing in the drive way of my house..well my mom's house really. of course nobody was home, mom at work and Katrina..somewhere. the door was locked but luckily i always carry my keys..never know which house you can be locked out of. i was greeted by the smell of cat litter and me and mom's dog Razz barking and wagging his tail. i missed him alot. i mean i can go over and see him whenever i want but still i had forgotten just how cute that chow doggy can be. i made my way to mom's room, the cleanest room of all rooms in the house of course. nothing new there, no new movies to borrow, but i did see that mom had gotten my magazine from the mail, the Hit Parader. i don't really care much for it anymore. i don't read it anymore..its mainly always the same old shit anyways..never anything new, always focused on old bands and if they do do a interview with one of the new bands from the past decade and a half its always the same things over and over again..so boring. GET OVER IT PEOPLE!!!! i just cut and tear out the pics of my fav. bands. one day i'm gonna make a huge fucking collage of all of them, put it in a picture frame and keep it forever...only other thing i can think of to do in my life so far.
after going through mom's movies i grabbed my CD and made way to my old room, now being occupied of my older sister Katrina. of course she hasn't been there for a few days (off running around with her boy toy probably) so i put my sacred Cradle of Filth LoveCraft CD in and blared it, laying in my old bed letting my thoughts wonder off. i remember thinking that i was going to live like how my mom lives. alone with a few cats and a dog, work at some fucking school working all day and then at some fucking factory putting tools together all night. but i met Brian and now i'm being pushed to college, which i have no idea of where i'm going and what the hell i'm gonna do...arg...as time went on and on i looked around my old room, remembering that it was once filled with meaningful things..and now its filled with teeny bopper shit...all my posters, books, stuffed animals, etc are all thrown in boxes in the closet...i was pissed off the first time i saw my old room like that but at that moment i didn't care..for the first time in a long time i actually missed having my own room. i missed being able to blare my music all night long. i miss being able to sleep with no little boys screaming at each other. i miss being able to jump out my window and go on long night walks listening to prettyful music. fuck i even miss being woken up in the middle of the fucking night by my cats somehow opening my door and jumping on my stomach.....i miss being able to lay in bed with the window open to stare at the stars.
....fucking A...the stars...i think i miss that the most. every night i'd stare at them...hoping..praying...and knowing that something good will happen but now that it has already happened....what do i look forward to now?....arg.....life at its best right here...i should pay more attention to the stars...for so long i've finally stopped being so angry inside. mom always said i was filled with so much anger and of course i could never control it..still can't...but suddenly this past year was completely out of order..everything came back. all the past hurt feelings, lies..erg just fucking everything!!...even the thoughts of suicide. i thought i suppressed that shit long ago..but i guess not. its gotten even worse too. i no longer really crave for death for myself. i keep thinking of the past too much and all the present fucked up shit and get pissed off at the person and find myself planning their death...is that healthy or what? i really need to chill the fuck out but i have nothing else left to do. my schedule is always the same: clean, cook, clean some more, give Brian attention and then sleep. nowhere to go find new people...can't even talk to the old people either, except for Cat. of course. thank chibi satan for her to return in my life or i think i would really of done all the things that i've been thinking lately.....well its getting late..or early in the morning to the rest of you human beings...Tommy just left for school, beds free for sleeping now. time to rest my demons again...
5:30 a.m. - Tuesday, December 14, 2004
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Hit Counters
|
other diaries: a-z-a |