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Will The Fighting Ever Stop?
for once i wish my mom carried hard liquor..i want vodka now..I WANT PAIN GO BYE BYE JUICE!!!
this morning was the absolute worst morning i think i ever had ever since my sister woke me up for school announcing that one of my cats were dead. me and Brian got into a fight (if you haven't noticed this happens alot) and apparently i touched a nerve when i told him to quit acting like a fucking five year old all the time. he got out of bed about to go stomp off angry, of course i felt bad for saying it, tried to calm him down and he kinda pushed me back into the bed and we exchanged alot of harsh words...really harsh words. he says i mentally abuse him, says i fuck with his head...wtf...
and then somehow it got better, not sure how that happened (it was six in the morning and i was really damn tired) but he says he wants to change for me and be better..how many times have i asked him that..i've tried talking to him to please stop embarrassing me constantly. and he wonders why sometimes i can't stand to be with him in public. i know thats really messed up to say but he just won't act his age. so what if his medical records say he's a little messed up and makes him act like a kid!!!??? I'M A.D.H.D. BORDERLINE!!! I'M FUCKED UP AS WELL!! BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME ACTING FUCKING RETARDED CONSTANTLY!!! I GOT OVER IT AND LEARNED TO DEAL WITH IT!!! but he just won't stop dwelling on the past...he always tell me how great things were in the beginning when we first met. GREAT!! WONDERFUL!! IF YOU WANT IT TO STILL BE LIKE THAT THAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! HELL I KNOW I FUCKING TRIED GODDAMMIT!!!!
i am so tired of this...he kept telling me if i couldn't handle him being like that than leave..he has no idea how close i was...next time he ever says those words..fuck it all. just fuck it all. i would not give a flying fuck about him no more.
its like last night when i was talking to Cat. she asked me a certain question that i still don't really know the answer to.
"How did you two end up together?"
....still nothing comes to mind...but i think there is one way to say it..
at that time when i met Brian, February 2004, i was a little messed up over me and "goth" Chris break up. we had only gone out for three days and i was always wondering what made it go 'bleh.' me and Chris were friends before we went out and still are best friends even though i don't ever see him anymore. and of course i was still being harrassed by Dwayne, my ex that lives in Minnesota, stupid stupid stupid fuckhead, i hope he gets raped by some 60 year old man diagnosed with every STD known to human. yes i know thats really gross but trust me, he deserves it. anyways..Brian had just moved into the neighborhood and it just happened, outa nowhere we couldn't bear to be apart. even though i was so fucking happy to be single and free, deep down i wanted to be with someone and Brian was the only one there so yeah thats just about it..i miss those first few months were everything was happy happy and then one day we were at each other throats wanting to kill.
also why i wanted to be with Brian was cuz he was from California and didn't know any of my ex's..i swear every single person i ever had a relationship or some fling knew each other..so fucking aggrivating and creepy. and now that i'm about to move off with the guy i'm gonna end up marrying..their all coming back from the past to haunt me!!! ONOES!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! i'm actually waiting for Dwayne to call and say, "hey baby whats up, wanna have another go at it with the relationship bit!?"
......SHOOT ME!! SHOOT ME NOW GODDAMMIT!!!!!
thats another thing that pisses me off..i've always wanted to have actual relationships, not stupid drunken flings. just nice long-term relationships..and every single one i've ever had was nothing but a bunch of bullshit with assholes!!!! i was actually better off with the flings!! WTF!!!!?????
but all in all, we of course like every time we fight we made up and fell asleep. and now i feel really bad about the whole stupid fight this morning cuz now Brian is sicker and won't stop throwing up. when i left to come here he was actually gonna watch a Pokemon movie..i swear he's fucking insane..although i can't say much, i forced him the other day to watch a CareBear movie. LOL!!
i don't give a fuck what anyone says, CareBears, My Little Pony, and Rainbow Brite all fucking kick ass..anyone who disagrees will die a terrible terrible death.
well it looks like i might be almost home alone tomorrow. Tommy and Brian are going with Alex to Michael's house for a celebration for Friday the 13th and i'm just gonna stay at home and...do stuff i guess. gives me time to work on my drawings and i'm really really hoping that mom will come home now so i can ask her if she can take me to GameStop or Best Buy or some fucking game store so i can purchase a fine item before she has to go to work. i need that game now!! i can't take it anymore..and having it for this weekend will be perfect! cuz obviously everyone is gonna be spending the night at the house on Saturday and we can all play multiplayer and kill each other! sounds good to me!
i actually had a good afternoon, besides of waking up to Brian puking, poor guy. i spent playing games, while Brian layed down on the couch and Tommy cussing at the top of his lungs cuz the momma made him cook dinner (spaghetti and meatballs!) and he didn't know how to do any of it and everyone was laughing at him..twas funny. and in the middle of me playing games, Brian wanted me to read off a book on Chinese Astrology and Tommy laughed at me cuz since i'm a Ox, one of my ideal occupations would be a Religious Leader....that really really makes me giggle. and Tommy freaked cuz it says that Ox's and Sheeps don't get along at all and he screamed, "But you two guys are like my best friends!! what the fuck!!??" how sweet!
arg..well i guess mom isn't coming home early tonight..dammit i really wanna go tomorrow afternoon..maybe if i come back sometime later...yeah i should do that. come back at least around five or so. she definitely better be home by then, although last night i stayed here till three in the morning and still nothing. i wonder if she got her schedule written out right..usually when it says 10 hours she's home at around midnight and if it says 8 hours like it says for tonight she's home around ten..oh well like i said i'll check back here around five and see what happens..oh hell i hope she doesn't decline...must get sexy new game goddammit...
at least i bumped into my sister as i was walking here and i asked her if she can look in the game section at her Best Buy and see if its there..i have total of $47 now..i really hope i have enough dammit...
ok enough of video game bitching..it is now time to depart! seriously i mean it..time to go away..yeah..er bye and stuff x______________X
11:37 p.m. - Thursday, May 12, 2005
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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