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Gotta Love It When Life Bites You In The Ass
listening to: Jump In The Fire, Metallica
drinking: Soda
watching: Nada
thinking: I feel absolutely miserable.
Hmm..yes. I have decided to come back to d-land. And I do mean it this time. I know I've said it plenty of times but things have always gotten in the way. I've changed alot of stuff on the profile cuz I really felt like it was needed. I'm alot different then when I first started this diary and alot of things had to go soo yes.
I'm somewhat thinking that I should delete half of my diary. There's alot of things in here that I don't want to remember. I'm still not sure. Maybe just delete a few entries and leave some alone.
But yeah..just alot of things are on my mind and I want to get it all out and hope at the end I'll feel somewhat content.
I'm broke. Completely. My inheritance is $3800 short all because of mom. I shouldn't blame this on her and its immature to do so but I honestly don't think I can take much more of this. When I first got it mom wanted $1500 for all the things I've broken in my life. Sure fine, I gave it to her knowing I would never have to pay her back. More and more money was taken out of my bank to pay her bills, rent, whatever she wanted. She promised me that she was going to start this Angel Pin thing, some legitimate online work thing. Who got to pay for that, me. Another $300 gone and its been months and still no package. I was promised to get paid for helping. First it was $150 and she borrowed more money promising she'll pay me $500. Still no goddamn package.
I have exactly $220 left. I'm very angry. Angry to the point where I feel like I don't even want to speak to anyone and just hole up and stare at a wall for +24 hours.
If the package doesn't come in mom will have no way to get a job since she's sick and can't really get a real job. I fear that I will have to get a job. And yes I'm not fucking around when I say fear. I always feared of getting one. I don't know why. I have zero confidence in myself to get one and put up with people. You have no idea how pathetic that makes me feel. Even if I could get a job, I would have no way to get there. I don't trust the taxi's here. I've taken them before and they're always more than a hour late. It may seem like mindless complaining about that, but its the way I feel and I have every right to express that.
I stayed up all night and all day worrying about the money problems. I can't get it out of my head cuz I seriously have no idea what to fucking do. I hate money so fucking much. It ruins everything. But if I want to get out of here and be with my chan, I have to find some way to earn it. I was thinking if that package doesn't come in I might try and apply at that Food Lion a few miles away. If I ever get it I have no idea how to get there. I've walked there before and it took more than a hour so I'm not sure about that. Mom could drive me there but her car still isn't legal and if a cop sees her driving it, off they go taking it away >.>
Fuck I hate this. And what makes me even more angry, mom ended up in the hospital. She got kidney stones and two ulcers cuz she keeps taking too many ibuprofen pills so its got her all fucked up. I'm pretty sure the kidney stones are gone though. She got Katrina to call up grandpa to borrow some money cuz if she called him, he wouldn't of bothered. The only reason why he favors Katrina is cuz she's married to Ryan and he's off in Iraq. I have no idea how much money he sent but mom's got it now, it was supposed to be for getting her prescribed medication to get rid of the ulcers. She decided she was better off without it and bought sleeping pills and some other kinds of pills instead and hopes that it'll do the same job. She's using most of the money for the rent and stuff but she promised to pay me back some of the money she owes. And she's not.
Yeah I really fucking hate money, its making my life miserable.
Sam is having money problems as well. I laugh at the fact I was supposed to leave in March-April. Its almost the end of July and I don't even have enough money to get to California. I need at least nearly $2000 to do anything. I wouldn't be freaking out needing money right away. I would be taking it easy and not worrying too much about this, but when I got my inheritance there was a tax that came along with it. Of all taxes this was just plain bullshit. Why in the hell is there even a inheritance tax? It was $4000..the tax was $3000. Seriously, just what the fuck? Thats why I wanted to leave as soon as possible so I can avoid this happy crap. The way how things are going, I find this impossible and by the end of the year, I'll be fucked.
I just really wish I had the fucking guts to get a job >___> I want to so badly but truthfully, over the past few years and mostly these past months, I've become just a tad misanthropic. Whenever I'm out in public and look at everyone, it disgusts me and frightens me at the same time. I don't want to be around people at all, except those that I'm familiar with. Other times I just want to hide in a corner and keep to myself. I try to communicate with others and sometimes its great. We would have so many things in common and they would seem like such a cool person but then after awhile I feel scared or embarrassed to even say hey and then all together ignore them. I hate and am afraid of humans at the same time. I hate my fucking mind and the things I feel sometimes. Does anything I've said so far even make sense? Seriously I feel even more lost.
My head hurts just typing all of this out and having to think about it again. Its never fun to suppress stuff cuz it always comes back crazy and pissed off.
I find this entry hilarious. I do feel a bit mature then I was in the beginning of this, but after spilling everything out about my current problems, I feel small again. I'll be 22 next month. And I've never had a job or done anything special.
Good job woman, you're fucking pathetic.
2:06 a.m. - Wednesday, July 25, 2007
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My Necrotic Regulus Lives Once More....
Happy Breaking From The Womb Day To Meh
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